1. WRITE NAME ON CUP.
    2. Open cup.
    3. Place cup and lid on nearby sink or counter. If unavailable, place on floor near the hand that doesn’t hold catheter.
    4. Unwrap and lubricate catheter.
    5. Hold catheter in teeth like knife-wielding pirate boarding an enemy ship

      IMG_1571
      A blurry, tired catheter pirate.
    6. Clean bits according to clean catch instructions.
    7. Insert catheter just a little.
    8. Attempt to grab cup with non-dominant hand.
    9. Knock cup over.
    10. Praise the heavens that cup is empty.
    11. Grab cup successfully.
    12. Place cup near end of catheter.
    13. Insert catheter fully.
    14. Move cup into stream (again, according to clean catch instructions).
    15. Remove cup quickly but carefully when just over half full and place on floor.
    16. Applaud self mentally for how little pee was spilled.
    17. Finish emptying bladder.
    18. Put lid on cup.
    19. Wipe down hands, cup, toilet seat, floor, etc.
    20. Sigh heavily.
    21. Wash hands thoroughly.
    22. Stand awkwardly in hallway looking for appropriate surface for specimen until nurse says–“Just place it on the counter in there. We’ll find it.”
    23. Think, “You’ll FIND it?!?!”
    24. Place cup on counter.
    25. Exit office, mentally drafting complaint letter. And blog post.

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